The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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