the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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