Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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