well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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