I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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