Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
