i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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