Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
