You kept calling me your small dog last night.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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