Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
