the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
