you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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