Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
