So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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