i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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