I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
