I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
