i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
