did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
