Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
