1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just gargled with NyQuil
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
