I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
