I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
