Just fell off a train. Bad.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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