I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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