It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
