shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
