Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
