Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
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we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
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I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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