meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
