If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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