I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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