You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
