i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
