i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
