Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
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Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I have feelings that need drinking.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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