my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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