So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
