I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
