Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
