you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
