I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
