it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
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I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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