Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
