We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
