I cannot find my penis.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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