My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
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yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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