Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
