Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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