He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
