When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Did you just see the Batmobile???
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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