i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
