My girlfriend figured out who you are.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
