I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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