you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Randomize
