i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
