dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
