kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
