My room smells like vodka and shame
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
