thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
