Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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