would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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