as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
